Feeling blue in Sacramento
10:27 p.m. on 2003-05-05
Hey everyone, its me once again popping into your life for a few minutes, or rather is it you popping into mine? I don�t know but anyway, Happy Cinco De Mayo. Lord what a crazy ass weekend this turned out to be. No, I didn�t hump anyone�s daddy or for that matter anybody�s anything. I will tell you though I feel tired as all get out. Well this is how it all played out.
On Thursday, I got an IM from Jesse, my friend who tells me that once again he is single. When I hear this it means to me, that he is officially taking a one to two day break from Louie. Ok, so I talk to him and hear his side of the story and feel real sad for him. At work on Friday, he was a bit teary eyed and it was sad to see. I hate to see people like that. There is almost nothing anyone can do for another who is suffering from a broken heart. I just told him I loved him and that I would be there for him if he needed anything. I gave him something all right that night, big red. What is big red you ask? A big fat red dildo that I had bought for him. I did make him swear that he would never mention that I got it for him. You all know how much his boy Louie hates me, I could just imagine what he would say if he found out the toy came from me. Dear god he slapped me with that thing and it hurt so bad. I don�t know how anyone could possibly use that beast.
Ok, its Saturday night and around 1100pm I pick Jesse up from work to drive him home but first we had to stop at Safeway because I was out of toothpaste. Somehow we ended up with toothpaste, and some hard alcohol, which had a cute boy with no shirt on the label. Anyway so Jesse and I are talking and joking around and Jesse says see Louie would hate that you and I were doing this. I said what, we are not doing anything but having fun. So we coming down the alley and whose car is parked out in front of my house? Louie�s. I am thinking oh dear god fuck me. Not because I am afraid of him at the least, but because now I am involved in something messy. Next thing I hear is Jesse saying my gosh there he is walking down by my parking garage. I don�t know what the hell he was looking for? Maybe to see if my truck was there? Anyway, I said to Jesse, Do you want to talk to him and he says, I am afraid. That struck me. Who would ever be afraid to talk to someone they love? Afraid of what I was thinking. I said well, if you need me I will be in the house he walked with Louie to his car. They must of sat outside of my place for an hour or so talking. I was working on some lesson plan for my kids when I hear someone knocking on my window. I go and its Jesse saying that Louie�s battery is dead and he needs some jumper cables. I let them in and I swear Louie does the same stupid ass stuff he did before. Looking away and acting retarded. I am thinking ok this guy has issues, but hey its my friend�s boyfriend so I deal with it. I call the tow service and have his car jumped but before this happens I get one of the biggest shocks of all of my life. Jesse tells me that he and Louie are back together, no that�s not the biggest shock, everyone at work knew it was a matter of hours anyway, but in the same breath he tells me he told Louie about the dildo. I am thinking mother fucker son of a bitch. Why? He just made me a promise that he would never ever tell anyone that it came from me, and in just like that he throws away a promise and a friendship and betrays me? Of course I couldn�t say one word at the time because Louie was right back in there. He wasn�t going to let us have any time alone. I swear people you have to see to believe. They leave and it�s like 200am and I can�t sleep. Over and over in my mind I keep thinking, it means nothing to him. A promise to me, means nothing. I guess I shouldn�t let it bother me so bad, but to be honest, it crushed me.
Sunday at work I couldn�t act the same towards him. I just didn�t feel the same. I couldn�t be all happy and bubbly, I don�t like to be fake. I was so upset with the whole situation. Its like all the friendships I have had before. They mean something to me, but not to the other person. I swear everyone, I would give the world to a true friend, and it always leaves me with heartache. I talked to Jesse at break time and explained how I felt, and he did say he was sorry. I never did though get an explanation as to why he had to tell Louie. And if it was so important that Louie know ever step he took during their big break, why my name had to be in it at all. I told him it was all right and that we all make mistakes, and that I loved him and that I would always be his friend. That is of course unless he does it to me again. The biggest let down is this, I feel that I still have him for a friend, but that now, it�s a different kind of friend. Like that we are friends but not real close good friends. I love the feeling that I had, knowing that there was one person in the world I could share everything with and still feel safe knowing that I wouldn�t be judged or that they wouldn�t tell everyone what a fucked up crazy nut I really am. Am I wrong feeling this way? Uhhh, I hate feeling like this. Tomorrow will be better I promising. I just had to write this, get it out of my system and move on. I find writing in here sometimes helps me organize my thoughts and leave them here and move on. So that�s what I am going to do. Move on.
Feeling blue in Sacramento, your friend�..Alvie
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